Going up?

The last day of the year and the day everyone is searching for something to signify the newness of a new year...New Year resolutions to lose weight, quit smoking, be happier, spend less money, make better grades...the list goes on and on and on.  But how many of us actually resolve these resolutions?  A very small amount of us have in us the ability to fulfill our New Years dreams of a better us, probably because a day we've never seen before doesn't continue to give us the ambition the first day of every year does.  It serves it's purpose to change the calenders and confuse us all when we're writing the dates but as far as changing us as individuals, it doesn't always live up to the hype.

So how can we move forward into the better us?  Sure it helps to have a starting point, and what better time than a new year, but we have to remember that change happens over time, not in one turning of a calender year, but in continuous steps.  Change is a process, not an event.

Event VS Process - Develop your plan, make a strategy, seek growth, realize you'll fail, and try again.  Events give us the motivation (New Years, birthdays, motivational conferences, revelations, marriage, babies)...the process is the time after the "honeymoon" has worn off.  It's in this time you will decide to remember your motivation despite circumstance or moods and challenge yourself to continue on with the original plan.

The important thing to remember is how human you are.  We make mistakes, forget our passions, miss exits and get lost...we are not perfect and we shouldn't hold ourselves to that standard.  But we should expect excellence and do our best to see it come out of us everyday. 

Today, make your decision not to make a resolution but to make a life-style change.  Whether it's to brush your teeth before you go to bed or give your time and money to a charity...realize that it takes more than just saying it to keep doing it, it takes waking up every morning and remembering your motivation so that you can accomplish your goals.

Rome wasn't built in a day...

Disappearing Memories

As each day goes by in this world without you, I hold on to the hope that your memory will last in my mind forever...

The one year anniversary of you leaving me is here, and I can't quite place my emotions.  My heart hurts so bad that I can't breathe and just when I think the tears have stopped, another one falls.  I remember the last moment I had with you, and I never would have expected it, but it made me so thankful and grateful that you were mine...

You hadn't spoken to me or even noticed me in years, but that day you wouldn't look away.  You held my hand and looked at me with such regret, you hated to see me cry and it seemed as though you understood the cause.  My heart could never take seeing you the way you were in that place, weak and tired and misplaced.  You weren't my papa and you had forgotten how to smile.  But you held onto what we had for one last time and showed me that you hadn't forgotten, you told me that you loved me and I knew for the first time that you could never forget that...and I saw that sparkle in your eyes, the one you would get when I walked into the room.  I hated to leave you, afraid that if I did, you wouldn't keep holding on.  But you knew it was time, and you had to make sure, before you went, that I knew you never did forget.

"People with dementia very often seem to see more than we do...to see through things, round things, past things.  Their senses appear, at times, to be differently deployed so that they hear smells, see voices, taste pictures.  They use metaphor as we might use observation.  Their linguistic range, which to us without dementia may appear very strangely configured is also fluid, generously, even lavishly, overlaid with imagery, freed from grammatical or chronological rules.  It is already poetic in essence." -Karen Hayes

There are pamphlets, books, websites...101 ways to deal with a person with Dementia...but none of these things can prepare you for what's to come - how to cope with the day when he cries because he doesn't understand or gets angry because he can't figure out how to unlock the car.  Instructions can't be provided and because we're all such peculiar people every situation is obviously circumstantial.  Some are more sensitive, some aren't affected much at all, and some like my grandfather are extremely aggressive.

On a good day, we could talk about his younger years when he pitched for the Braves, and although it was very untrue, he believed it and when he spoke about the delusive past it made sense.  On a bad day, he couldn't place simple words together and wouldn't know where he was or who he was...and on a very bad day wouldn't open his eyes to try to even figure those things out.  This man, this strong, loving, generous, happy man was replaced with one weak and frail.  And when I looked into his eyes, the man who would never be able to resist a smile had disappeared, it seemed, forever.

I don't understand this disease and I hate it with everything in me.  It took away a man that had more love in his heart than I even knew existed.  But one thing that I am certain of and am thankful for is this...The last thing we ever lose is love.  Our memories may be gone.  Intellect and logic may have diminished.  We may have forgotten your name and where we are or what we are doing.  But we remember love.

Until the day he died, he remembered that love, and he never let it go.

And so begins the seizing of the...well, everything.

"You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sights!

You'll join the high fliers

who soar to high heights."

Dr. Seuss

So after all of the hardships, I think I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  This year has, without a doubt, been the most challenging year for me.  And through all of it, it has definitely been hard to keep my head up above the water.  I became a complete pessimist! Winston Churchill said, "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."  At one point in my life I thought like an optimist, acted like an optimist and chose to see the good in every situation.  But sadly, I lost that, every bit of optimism was buried under this miserable pessimistic mentality.  Sure, things could have been worse, they can always be worse.  I felt hopeless and useless and had lost my inspiration.  I couldn't see my life changing any time soon, and it was the most discouraging lump of time I've experienced in quite some time.

But one day, I closed my eyes and lied on my floor and just listened.  I was so still I could hear my heart beating.  Then I thought...what am I doing to make this better?  In order to get different results you have to do something different, right?  So I thought about making a list.  Everyone talks about what they want to do before they "kick the bucket," and this list didn't really fit that time frame, and I'm trying to think more short term and immediate...So I made a "buggy" list (for my northern friends, a "cart" list, but that doesn't sound as fun).  Those that know me know how fitting this is because I'm sort of a shopaholic, and they'll expect to see some sort of shopping therapy on this list.  I'll go ahead and tell you, it's not there, I am a healthy shopper and I do not have a problem...

...So the list...

I turn 25 in February and what better way to make that horrific birthday a lot less focused on single awareness and feeling like an old hag, than to challenge myself to make it the most motivating year of my life!  I have to admit, I've never been one to follow through with goals.  I usually set impossibly high expectations for myself to the point that it can take me years to accomplish what I meant to accomplish in just a few short months.  I've taught myself, though, that everything is a process.  I can't drop 15 pounds in 2 weeks and I can't tell you how many times I've tried to do that.

I'm not sure that this is the "official list", it's a lot harder than I thought it would be, but I want the things I accomplish to be inspiring to me and not just something with no meaning or substantiality.  So here it is, my list of 25 things to do while I'm 25...

#1. Fix my credit
#2. Make a quilt...or two for Quilt for the Kids
#3. Be a better driver (some will like this one the most)
#4. Visit my best friend Nikki and her new baby Ariana :)
#5 Go skydiving
#6. Take a road trip to the Grand Canyon
#7. Sell a song
#8. Start writing a book
#9. Record a demo
#10. Run in a 10k
#11. See DMB and U2 live
#12. Get a tattoo
#13. Grow a garden
#14. Learn how to pick my guitar & mandolin
#15. Get a professional photo shoot done
#16. Go deep sea fishing
#17. Move out of my parents house FOR GOOD ;)
#18. Buy my "dream" car and DON'T WRECK IT!
#19. Go on a cruise with friends
#20. See WICKED for the 3rd time
#21. Go to a winery
#22. Learn how to sail a Sailboat
#23. Become fluent in Spanish and Italian
#24. Volunteer for a local charity
#25. Learn to box

I'm a firm believer in the power of hope, and since I've made this list I've been more than excited to complete it!  Something literally "clicked" inside my head and I saw my possibilities in a completely different light.  I have the power to make my life better or worse and everyday I'm given the choice to see either one of those results.  I have to be determined to make my potential a reality rather than watch it go to waste and end up in a graveyard.  There is no good reason to give up on pursuing life goals, there's no excuse good enough.  Not fear of failure, or rejection, money or even timing.  Nothing can be an excuse for not living up to your full potential...especially because we all deserve to accomplish the goal of living the best life possible.  I challenge all of my family and friends to make a "buggy list" and watch how compelled you become to live the best life possible!

"What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals." -- Zig Ziglar