After shame

"Often when you think you're at the end of something, you're at the beginning of something else."  - Mr. Rogers

I've missed a lot of life lately.  I've been caught up in my sorrows and distracting myself with things and people who aren't necessarily good for me.  It's so easy for old patterns and habits to show up and start taking hold of you.  To let your impulses guide you because dealing with reality just seems too hard.  And before you know it, you've let so much time go by without reaching your goals and LIVING the life you deserve.  You let the regret sink in and, with each decision you make, you crawl deeper and deeper into a black hole.

Behind every smile there is a story.  I smile because it feels better to smile and think on good things than let myself get wrapped up in the pain I'm trying to break free from.  That, most days, feels as though it's chewing me to pieces.  This world we live in is full of hurt.  It's full of hate.  It's full of regret.  But, it's full of happiness and love too.  It's not always easy to choose the happy and find that glimmer of hope that, you can hardly remember, is waiting for you to grab onto and LIVE...live the life you imagined, where your biggest and greatest dreams are reality.  Those dreams sometimes get boxed up and put in the corner, either because other choices took their place or because mistakes were made and your once possible dreams become impossible.  The person you hoped you would be seems unreachable.  So we forget about them and we make room for the idea that life without them isn't so bad, after all.  

I recently walked away from someone who, I imagined, was a dream come true.  I ignored red flags and fell blindly in love with an idea...an idea that we were the perfect couple and that if we could just make it past a few bumps, all our dreams would come true.  But I had never had the dream of a man completing me and I can't tell you at what point I lost sight of MY dreams and let him (as I was told) take my sunshine away.  So I lost myself in an unsatisfying role that I had convinced myself was right for me and when everything came to an end, I spent months in what I thought was recovery...I wanted to heal but I was masking my reality with a lie.  Until now.

Looking back, I feel extremely blessed.  I hit career goals, took the my first "big girl" vacation, moved to Tampa, fell in love with a man and his daughter and realized I'm capable of nurturing my own family, and bought my first car.  As a girl, I always had the dream that my life would be incredible but I must admit, there were a few years that I had serious doubts in myself and my future.  But this year proved to me that I can have what I want...as long as I don't settle.  As long as I live the life I'm purposed for.

As I'm right back where I started, I can't help but look back on where my life has taken me.  How I've gotten lost, taken wrong turns, made big mistakes, lost friends, lost self-respect, and caused myself heart ache.  I remember making promises to change my stars.  The person I was when I made that promise was desperate and completely off track.  I was living a life not worthy of the person I was meant to be.  I had come to a crossroad and I had a choice to make.  I could continue down the path I was headed or I could slam on the breaks and find a different path.  I was tired of feeling lost...like every choice I made was the wrong choice.  I was tired of kicking myself when I was down.  I couldn't recognize the person in the mirror and it was time to take responsibility for my mistakes and change everything.  EVERYTHING.

I'm trading the bad for the good.  This year was necessary.  It made 2016 a year full of possibilities.  Because of this year, 2016 will be an incredible year, I feel it in my soul.

Without the bad, I wouldn't recognize the good.  I wouldn't see the rainbow if it weren't for the rain.  Had my life been perfect, I wouldn't be who I am today.  I wouldn't be as strong or compassionate.  I wouldn't be working so hard for the good because I wouldn't have the bad to compare it to.  We would never understand the power of light if it weren't for darkness.

I know what it's like to have life hand you so much crap you just want it all to end...but you have to look in front of you, not behind you, and make the choice to have a better future.  Be grateful for where life has brought you and use each day to create the life you deserve.

To everything there is a season...

Life is hard.  Things get thrown at us and we either duck or get hit.  I've done more getting hit than ducking and while I'm thankful for every lesson learned, I am more than ready for something good to come my way.  I know, I know...it always gets worse before it gets better, but I'm telling you, if it gets much worse, there won't be anything left to get better.  I've had the abusive narcissistic boyfriend, the horrific breakup, the DUI, the flunking out of school, the traumatic family situation, the crazy girl gang fight, the walking home barefoot, the stalker, the terrifying event that comes with a stalker, the back of a cop car, the creepy bartender drug catastrophe, the homeless week, the eviction, the selling possessions for food, the hush-hush job, and so much more that I'm not even ready to share.

I just kept falling further and further into this unimaginable life and I lost myself, really lost my grip on life.  I didn't know who I was or what I was doing anymore.  I quit working out, it took an act of God to make me quit crying and I hated to look in the mirror.  I've been in some deep holes, but this one, it was the deepest darkest place I had ever experienced.  Friends urged me to see a doctor and get some help, but I couldn't make that decision.  I knew there was something seriously wrong, but I have never been one to actually DEAL with a scary situation like this.  I'm a huge "avoider."  I will avoid bad things like this until I can't anymore, and that's exactly what I did.

If it weren't for my parents and close friends, I don't know where I would be.  If it weren't for God, I know exactly where I would be.  I wouldn't be alive, I know that full well, my life reflected exactly what I had made it, a life without God.  Anyway, this isn't a blog about getting my life right with God, although I did, this is about tomorrows, new days, fresh starts, turning old habits and patterns into change and success.  The seasons change and with them comes new, bright and exciting seasons...seasons full of hope and life and chances and growth.  But what is so hard to grasp during the dark times is every season gives hope, life, chances and growth.  I never saw the possibility in my struggle until I realized the struggle is actually part of it.

"...but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint..."  Romans 5

If in the beginning we could experience the end, would that make life easier?  More often than not I think I can't do something, like I won't make it, and more often than not I get to watch myself jump up and down with excitement as I accomplish whatever it was I thought I couldn't.  All throughout life, we measure our success by what we learn and overcome, but the hardest thing to realize is that we possess the strength needed to do the impossible.  I can't count the number of times I've succeeded, the number of times I've fulfilled a dream or accomplished a goal or even triumphed something I failed in the past.  But knowing my success has never made life less scary.  I have proven to myself time and time again that I can do anything I put my mind to and it never gets easier...

It does, however, keep me from quitting.

Because I've seen so many seasons come and go and so many struggles turn into success, I know I have a fighting chance.  I've seen another year come and go and not without incredible struggle.  In fact, this past year has been the hardest yet.  I'm hoping this new year will bring much hope, life, chances and growth...and maybe throw in a few extras too!  Here's hoping 2013 to be a year of blessings, success, love, family, accomplishment and fortune for us all!!