I'm going to say the thing you're not supposed to say.
I straddled the fence. Pro-life vs. Pro-choice. I was faced with a decision 5 months ago that will probably remain one of the most difficult I will experience...watch as my child comes to life or watch as my child is put to death. My heart bled with the pain of choosing such a fate for both of us because I knew that either way, my life would continue with or without this baby. If I chose one, I would face every day with the heavy thought of the little life I wasted. And if I chose the other, I would face the next part of my life with fear that the "perfect" life I wanted for myself would suffer and my dreams would only be a memory.
This is the harsh and selfish reality of an unplanned pregnancy for a "modern woman" who never intended on being a mother. Because, in that moment of terror, I felt paralyzed with regret and disappointment. All the plans I made would never be fulfilled. Questions and fears of what being a single mother would mean and what that would take away from my future. I made a mistake and this was the consequence. Society has created a fear in women's minds that says we can't have children and still live the lives we desire. A fear so great that we would rather end a life than let it join in with ours and search for a compromise. I knew if I chose to end my pregnancy, I would always regret it. I would carry a burden that would be everything that child's future could have been. The sadness in knowing I took his dreams away, possibly even the same dreams I so desperately wanted for myself. I would look at the world through different eyes and finding any happiness after that would most certainly be a struggle. It happens everyday and somehow those women keep going, but I know in my heart, I would have felt a sting that would last throughout the rest of my life and I wasn't prepared to live that way...running, avoiding, building walls. Life would have gone on as the picture of everything I wanted but would I have been truly happy? The other side of the coin was almost as unsettling. I thought I'd have to quit my job because how can I have a baby and fly around the world? How irresponsible would that be of me to leave my child and continue my life as a Flight Attendant? And forget about dating...it's hard enough without a child. I felt failure and dread on a different level than ever before. Crippling fear.
I felt all the judgment from the outside world and it weighed heavily on my undecided mind.
You're always supposed to want a baby. Because of all the women out there who will never have their own. So many women out there who've lost the choice. And so many women out there who had their babies only to lose them. The world is full of women who would give anything to see those 2 pink lines ringing in their new baby and to have the joy of bringing that baby into the world. I know and love a few of those women, and I knew I'd forever live with their disappointment and hurt if I selfishly chose my life over my unborn child's.
I know these opinions welcome attacks but I only speak from my experience. From being a woman who consciously decides what I want for myself and my future. From being the single female who very openly chose a "jet-setter" lifestyle over the "white picket fence" lifestyle. From being the woman who fell on my knees when the test read positive, feeling numb and everything all at once. In that moment, I asked myself the hard questions and I was sitting right in the middle. This is not the ideal situation and I cannot imagine how hard things will get. I talked about not wanting children because I wanted to live life my way but was that really true? There was a big part of me that really questioned that and it was big enough to help me choose a side.
When the fear settles and the thought of what this small life could become overshadows the regret, there's hope. After the hope comes happiness. That happiness becomes laden with beauty and excitement for the small person growing inside of you, because you hear his little heart and see his little toes. Then, the picture you had of your life shifts to encompass this new little human and who he might be...the adventures he'll want to take, the voice he'll discover, his musical style, and all the love he'll have for you because you're his mama and you gave him life. He deserves his future just as much as I deserve mine. He was no longer a decision, he was my child.
The fear remains. An ever present shadow always looming as a reminder of your mistakes and how the future will never look the same. Everything will be more difficult and the stresses of life and your new responsibilities will hang over you. But here I am, 20 weeks pregnant, experiencing this wonderful sort of metamorphosis of myself. Finding the greatest joy in my little boy's strong kicks and dreaming about how funny he'll be. I wonder more about his future than my own now. I'm so curious to know him and watch as he blooms, into a happy and kind little person who grows into an outstanding boy to become a strong and loving man. His big future is in my hands and it's up to me to show him right from wrong while letting him make his own decisions. He has some pretty amazing people in his corner and for that I am forever grateful. I know it will be the hardest but most rewarding thing I'll ever do. And I'm proud of myself that I chose to add his life into mine. To find a balance in my dreams without him and my dreams with him and to learn how to help him achieve his own dreams. Not to lose myself but to grow into the role of his mother.
Nine months isn't enough time to prepare for such an explosive change.
Especially for the woman who had such solitary plans.
But therein lies the challenge it seems she was always seeking...
One of life's greatest adventures.
The compromise of being a woman and becoming a mother.
