Beautiful Surprise

It's like yesterday

I didn't even know your name

Now today

You're always on my mind

I never could have predicted that I'd feel this way

You are a beautiful surprise

Intoxicated every time I hear your voice

You've got me on a natural high

It's almost like I didn't even have a choice

You are a beautiful surprise

Whatever it is that you came to teach me

I am here to learn it cause

I believe that we are written in the stars

I don't know what the future holds

But I'm living in the moment

And I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are

You are everything I ask for in my prayers

So I know my angels brought you to my life

Your energy is healing to my soul

You are a beautiful surprise

You are an inspiration to my life

You are the reason why I smile

You are a beautiful surprise

All these unopened/open doors...

When a person has decisions to make and they have many choices, what is the best way to decide? Should he open one door at a time just to peek inside and see if that's the one he wants, or should he open them all and go back and forth, or should he pick the one blindly? I believe in taste testers and trying things on, but I don't agree that one should treat relationships or opportunities the same way. This is why polygamy is illegal and omnipresence is impossible. We can obviously have more than one hobby...but people are not hobbies. We can obviously have more than one pair of shoes...but careers are not shoes.

Pretend that one door has a gun aimed right at your head...would you keep it open? How often do we open doors that have disaster behind them? But we walk in and curiously pick things up, or hang out for a while, almost like we're ignoring all the signs that tell us we shouldn't be here. I've opened plenty of these doors and some are still open. So what does it take to close those doors?

Everyone has a conscience, some choose to ignore it, some let it get a little crazy, and some use it effectively. It's not like auto pilot, you can't turn it on and let it live your life for you, unfortunately - very unfortunately, we have free will. Don't get me wrong, it's a great thing to have, but sometimes I'd rather my conscience just say, "Hayli, this door is right for now, and this is how long you should be in there, and after you close it choose this one for a year, and then you'll grow old and die in this one..." But noooo, it's all left up to naive and easily influenced Hayli, and I sure do open the wrong one more times than I'd like.

But thankfully, I know what I'm looking for and the direction I'm going is hard but worth it. I won't let others determine what door I open, I'll let my desires, past mistakes, and wisdom choose. I'll trust that if I do make a mistake, I will try again until I get it right. And I'll believe that, no matter what, I choose my destiny.

True Love

If you work hard, stay focused, and never give up you will eventually get what you want in life. Unfortunately, sometimes the things we want the most in life are the very things that kill us. Why are we so self-absorbed? If you really come down to it, you are. I've been thinking on this for a few days now, and I've come to the conclusion that more often times than not I think I love people, but in reality, I'm only judging them.

I may think my recent attempt to be generous was in fact that, but it wasn't, it might have been pity or really just me being judgmental. Maybe I feel I want to help people, give them dignity, like they are candidates for sympathy and yet by judging them, I'm really just taking their dignity away. In this world we love darkness, we are prone to love things that kill us. You might think self-discipline is the answer, you can make yourself do good things, love light, practice being all the things you should be, think good thoughts about people. You could walk through the motions for a while, but sooner or later you're back where you started. Darkness.

This sounds harsh, but truthfully, I may have come to the conclusion that I believe I'm above God's charity. I think I'm putting others first, but just being real with you, I'm being prideful. It's not that I care about others more, but that I feel I'm above the grace of God. Our key role in this relationship with God is to humbly recieve God's unconditional love! Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean. Accepting God's love will, and it will also cause us to obey him in return. "Our 'behavior' will not be changed long with self-discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible." By accepting God's love for us, we fall in love with him, and only then do we have the fuel we need to obey.

It's your love...

God help my unbelief...

I have questions, and they're hard questions. They're not pretty, not comfortable, they're harsh, mean, angry, confused, and buried. I know that feeling - the overbearing, heart tugging, passionate call - the one that makes your thoughts turn completely to happiness and love. That feeling, it's the only reason I still believe...because no matter how long I go without, when I come back to it, I know it's never left me. Music is usually the key. Lyrics and music have power that quiet and sermons do not. It builds when you want it to, it says what you feel, it can make the hardest heart soft.

I know I'm bitter and cynical, but I wonder if anyone (or those that tell me I am) ever ask themselves why. I didn't turn from that "fall on my face, pray with all my might, 'worship leader' over night...I get lonely sitting here watching Hillsong videos in the dark by myself, and I sometimes wish I wasn't so bitter and cynical. I can feel it by myself, but I wouldn't mind being around others who feel that same feeling I do.

If I asked all those ugly questions, I guarantee I'd get the same answers I always have...someone taking me outside and pointing to the sky or asking me if I feel the wind...yes, dumb ass, I know it's there but quit trying to distract yourself from the real answers. What if all it is, is just some idea a bunch of men decided would make people have chills and cry for no reason? People were the same thousands of years ago as they are today, and because of that are some reasons for my unbelief. When people have the power to create things, such as the 10 commandments, or a baby from a virgin what makes us believe them? I'm not doubting God, I feel him...but do you ever wonder if some stories didn't happen exactly the way they're told?

I told you they were terrible.

I love Christianity, I love the Bible, I love Jesus, I love creation and all that came with it...but I still have unbelief in these things. We'll obviously never get the answers we want, so really there's no point in asking. I'm supposed to "Not lean on my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge him..." but I just want to be in a place where my questions are accepted and where I'm accepted - all the ugly.

The saddest part of all of this is knowing that there are millions of people out there, just like me, with the same ugly questions...but will his love be enough for them to hold on?

All the more reason not to...

There are tons of recreational activities available for me at the moment, yet I sit here pondering what thought I want to write about. The predominant thought I have lately is quite time consuming -- how my life got here, to this point of, well, insomnia. A point of slight contentment and enjoyment, with mild regret and bitterness, and a hint of searching for what's next. Considering my involvement in church in the past, I never would have dreamed I wouldn't have one, much less despise the thought of going to one. Had I met today Hayli 6 years ago, I wouldn't like her at all...and vice versa. The two are completely different and it is almost shocking to think that they are realistically the same person. I'm sure many agree. Where there was once optimism there is now pessimism, where there was once religion there is now disbelief (not in God, but in the the rituals of the religion), where there once was satisfaction there's displancency.

When I remember that girl, I think of her ignorance, naiveté, and disregard for anything outside of her comfort.  She was good but did she do anyone any good?  She didn't feed the hungry, love the unloving, research her beliefs...but she was the CORE of her youth group, sang and played in the youth band, decorated the youth room...notice anything?  All she cared about was church.  She didn't care about school, or family, or anything outside of those 4 walls.  Is that normal?

Today Hayli is knowledgeable, and experienced -- and those things can be a huge downfall.  Reason being, the saying, "Ignorance is bliss, " is very true.

Years later and I've seen a church split because of manipulation and politics, an amazing little boy die with cancer, my grandfather die with an inconceivable disease, and countless other lessons...and I never stop thinking.  I have insomnia of the mind.  I hate because of life, it keeps going, and people never change, almost like they've tuned out God.  They can't see that the people they want to "restore" are the people they broke in the first place.  Who would I be if I had never seen those things?  I wonder if I would have ever "woken up" from the dream of clouds and unicorns?  That world that I lived in was so disposable, and yet we call it 

"building on the rock."

Jeremiah 6:13-15 (Message) "Everyone's after the dishonest dollar, little people and big people alike.  Prophets and priests and everyone in between twist words and doctor truth.  My people are broken - shattered! - and they put on band-aids, saying, 'It's not so bad. You'll be just fine.'  But things are not 'just fine'!

This picture of church, of daisies and holy water, I'm sorry -- get off your stage, come out from under your hot spotlights, and see the truth.  Hell's hand basket's are getting pretty full, but not with the people you think...to remind you, here are the 7 things God hates.  1) Eyes that are arrogant.  2) A tongue that lies.  3) Hands that murder the innocent.  4) A heart that hatches evil plots.  5)Feet that race down a wicked track.  6) A mouth that lies under oath.  7) A troublemaker in the family.  (Message)

Call me bitter and cynical, but haven't we been going about this whole Christianity thing the wrong way for a long time now??  "But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women.  It's quite simple:  Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don't take yourself too seriously - take God seriously." Micah 6:8 (Message)