Fireflies into stars...

When everything is dark, a single bright light gives me hope...hope that I'm on the right track and that love is close by.  This single bright light surrounds me and heals my heart for a moment as I follow it back home...

I've been living at a place not worthy of who I am...I've lost my self-respect, dignity, and sadly I've forgotten my passions and desires.  I've always had a long list of standards/expectations but I've barely stuck to any of them...the problem with settling is that it changes who you are and you begin to make excuses that sound so ridiculous to everyone around you but for some reason, they make sense to you.  The more I say these excuses out loud, the more people laugh and remind me that I sound like an idiot, and the more I begin to realize what they mean when they say, "Come on, Hayli!!  Do you hear yourself??"  I've said the word "but" more than I should've, and "it's just going to take time" longer than it should've ever taken...it makes me look pretty idiotic to not only believe the crap, but to actually defend it to my family and friends like I trust that it is authentic and trustworthy and probable. 

What makes us settle?

Do I think I'll never have better?  No, I know that I could have better.  So why even worry myself with these insignificant things?  Because these things aren't worthy of me, not that I'm so high and mighty, but I was given the life, the abilities, and the talents I have for a reason...and it sure as hell wasn't to sweep them under the rug and forget about them while I live in a situation that causes me stress and pain. 

Letting go of certain jobs, relationships, places, drama, a lifestyle, worry - sure I'll be sad (for some reason) but realizing what I deserve and aiming for that from now on makes me feel relief and excitement.  I don't know what will happen but that's part of the fun...

I will say that I am happy that I can realize when I'm headed down the wrong road before I lose control (in a metaphorical way, because sometimes when I drive, well...) and all the things I've worked so hard for all my life get thrown out the window.  I don't want to live in a place not worthy of who I am...and I will do whatever it takes to live the life I have imagined so many times, and that life will involve my passions and desires with a person that compliments those passions and helps me accomplish my goals while I help him accomplish his.

So treat your love like a firefly, like it only gets to shine for a little while.  Catch it in a mason jar, with holes in the top, and run like hell to show it off...

Petal Picker

I can admit when I'm wrong and I'll be the first to tell you when I don't have the answers and it's never hard for me to ask advice...but I am the absolute worst at making decisions.  I can never decide where to eat, what I want to do on the weekends, what to wear - but it doesn't bother me until it comes to relationships.  I find a nice guy who's respectable, genuine, a perfect gentleman, and I'll like him for a few weeks and then something happens, and it's on to the next one.  I think that makes me the type of girl that wants what she can't have, right?

Exactly...

He loves me, he loves me not.  That game is ONLY fun if the last petal is the "he loves me" petal and if it's not, well then, pick another flower because surely he loves me.  What if all the flowers I pick never end on the fun petal and what if he really doesn't love me?  I can't rely on picking petals my whole life to help me decide whether to be with someone or not.  So what do I rely on?

What if he's none of the things you thought you wanted but you love him because the things you wanted changed?  Or what if he's treated you poorly in the past but he really makes an effort to change?  What if you're not sure about anything except for the way you feel about him?  Somebody find me a flower with an odd number of petals please!

It's funny, because I never doubt my parent's love, my sister's, grandparent's, or most of my family, and I'm not really sure why.  There are plenty of parents out there that don't love their children and plenty of siblings who hate each other.  So what makes me so certain of their love and why have I never consulted a flower?  I wonder if I could ever get to that point with my significant other...I would never get jealous because I wouldn't question his faithfulness, I really wouldn't have any insecurities because I would be so sure of his loyalty and have no reason to mistrust his love.

Is their any marriage out there like that?  A relationship free of insecurity and doubt...or does everyone trust a flower every now and then?

Bulletproof

What can I gain and what can I lose?  Are the possibilities worth the process?  This thing...it keeps me awake at night, confuses not only my mind but my heart, beats the tears out of me...is all of this, the heartache, pounds of tears, frustration, and literal pain worth the outcome?  The problem is, I'm never guaranteed the outcome I want. In fact, I'm not even guaranteed that it's real at all!  The more you think you have the real thing and end up disappointed only to find out that it wasn't what you thought, the more you believe it's not possible for you.  Have you figured it out yet?  The thing, this terrible, hurtful, cruel, afflictive, wounding, devastating, destructive, sinister, wicked thing is, you guessed it, love.  Yes, I sound bitter, and yes, I am...but let go of your facade, at some point in your life, you know you've been there too.

No matter what we do we can't get away from love - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Sure when it's good it's GOOD, but when it's bad, well, it can get pretty ugly.  We're taught from birth how to love, some learn that love is something you say while others learn it's something you do.  Love means different things to each of us.  To some it means money or sex or a white picket fence and to some it means quality time, physical touch, giving more than you care to receive, and selflessness.  Selfless, or otherwise known as unconditional love, is hard to come by and there are many people who will live their whole lives never giving or receiving it.  It's that kind of love that pulls at your heart like a magnet, never gives up, doesn't care what the truth is because it needs honesty, puts up with anything, doesn't keep score...

...it causes you to want the happiness of someone else over your own.  Love is not perfect but it helps you look past a person's imperfections and flaws and even causes you to love those flaws...

I haven't been in love many times (with a boy at least) so I'm not the expert, and the only true love I have to talk about is that of my family, but it's because of them that I've seen the picture of unconditional love.  I know when you love someone you give up your comfort, space, time, and you learn to compromise, get along, share, and communicate.  Of course there will be big fights, times you want to run away, and there will be hard situations you will come across...but at the end of the day, true love causes you to know that you can't live without that person, your life would be less meaningful, and you learn that forgiveness has to be given often.

To my future love,
   I can't wait to love you with all of my heart, soul, mind, music and everything I can give to you.  I am ready for love and all the joy, the pain, and all the time that it takes...if you give me a chance I'll prove this to you, I will be patient, kind, faithful, and true.  I'll do the best that I can. {thank you India}  I want to know everything about you, trust you with my secrets and not be ashamed, feel comfortable and safe, and never stop getting weak in the knees every time you walk into the room.  I can't wait to smile at you forever.  No matter what, the possibilities will always be worth the process.

Love,
Hayli

Above the clouds...

If you don't know where you're going, how will you know when you get there?

I've spent much of today thinking about who I used to be and how I've changed throughout the years.  I've evaluated my strengths and weaknesses, my motivations, my dysfunctions, my urges...what made me the person I was and what has made me the person I am - because the two are so different.  I've thought about my limitations and the things that kept me from accomplishing certain dreams or goals I set for myself, the liberations that caused me to reach for them, and the people that changed whatever the outcome could be.  I've remembered significant events that started my growth and the processes that kept me learning and changing continuously.  All of these things created a woman who looks inside herself not just to find the good but to realize the bad and she tries her best to give a little more, speak a little slower, love a little harder, and hate a little less {only a little, because change is a process}.

"This is what we are all dying for, something that demands we step up and become better, more focused people.  Something that calls out the greatness we hope is somewhere inside of us..." ~ Velvet Elvis

What I've come to realize more and more as I grow is that life is in my hands, my choices determine my future.  I can pick my destination(s) and the sky is my limit.  True dreamers win a lot of battles before their dreams come true...and I consider myself to have won a few battles in my time, but who knows how many more I'll conquer before I finally reach my dreams.  It seems though that my dreams change quite often, like myself.  They went from wanting to start a traveling ministry to Hillsong to Public Relations - I'm still on PR but I've added Journalism to it - and now I want a family.

Just like everyone else out there, I'm working to be the person I was created to be, and everyday I struggle to realize who exactly that is.  I'm desperate to be that person and I'm thankful that I can continue to change until my life is done and that there will always be people around me that encourage that growth.

"Life takes on meaning when you become motivated, set goals for yourself and charge after them in an unstoppable manner." ~ Les Brown