No pedestal is high enough when I'm in love...

"People think a soul mate is our perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life..."

I haven't met that person yet, but seemingly, he is already present in my life.  You see, I have this set of.......expectations?  Standards?  Qualifications??????  Maybe I should refer to this "list" as contingencies, because as of yet, there are a few (or many) things on this "list" that seem impossible to find.  Call me picky, critical, finicky, particular...but I don't think my contingencies are really beyond the bounds of possibility, but that's the thing about contingencies - Contingency defined is:  A possibility that must be prepared for - PERFECT!  When I said that my soul mate is already present in my life, that's exactly what I mean!  It needs preparation. 

My pedestal for this man is set so high that it would be ridiculous of me to think he would want the person that I am today.  I need work.  I need to better myself, become the person he deserves.  Not just because he wants me to be that, but because we should be there together.  Even before knowing him, he's brought me to my own attention and causes me to see the things holding me back so that I can reach in myself for the greatness that's inside me.  It's there.  But things seem to have crumbled to ruins and I'm completely consumed with my current situation, finding negativity and frustration in a day I haven't even started yet simply because I know how it will end.

There's a wall.  And I can't figure out how I got here, but I know what it feels like on the other side.  Happiness is the consequence of personal effort, and I've been struggling in the effort department lately.  Almost like swimming upstream, you have to maintain it to keep from getting swept away back to the place you worked so hard to leave.  But this place, in front of this wall, I see possibilities.  That's all that's ahead of me, chances and opportunities.  "Ruin is a gift, ruin is the road to transformation."  I'm not afraid of change.  Of walking face-first into the dark and searching for a way over the wall.  It gives me hope that life evolves, that things change, that I change.

If you're wondering what my contingencies are, well, maybe that's for another blog, although I'm sure those who know me know that music and grammar are very high on the list...but I think he's out there, maybe not exactly as I picture him, but I'm sure I'll be able to deal with the things I didn't ask for as long as he's willing to do the same.  I look forward to this journey ahead, the one that takes me to him because when I reach that point, I know I'll be able to look in the mirror and appreciate where I came from and be thankful that I was prepared.

"If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself....then truth will not be withheld from you. Or so I've come to believe."


*The quotes in this blog are from "Eat. Pray. Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert :)

A Confession...

"All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.

I never had a selfless thought since I was born.

I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;

I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;

I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -

But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin." 

 ~ C.S. Lewis

I had to read this a few times to truly understand how to relate to it...my pride wouldn't allow it.  I'm re-reading Donald Miller's, Blue Like Jazz and this second chapter hit me pretty hard.  I read it over today after sleeping on it last night just to remember the parts that concerned me of myself.  I haven't been in a church in quite a few years and no, that's not what this blog is about.  However, it is about my facing myself and my flaws.  We don't have to be in church to evaluate/reflect on ourselves.  The part about the parrot deals with us talking and not understanding.  I talk about love and being Christ-like, but do I really know what I'm saying?

We are a broken people, all of us are flawed.  We spend our whole lives, from birth to death training ourselves to do good.  Think about it, if you never teach your child right from wrong, he does wrong.  We have to be taught that lying is wrong, hitting is not nice, stealing is bad...we are born this way.  We are all capable of the terrible things we see on the news each and every day, but there's the knowledge inside of some of us that it's wrong and that's what keeps us from behaving this way. 

We have a narcissistic nature, selfish, self-absorbed...but can love, unconditional love, change that?  There's another quote somewhere in this book that I remember extremely well from the last time I read it years ago..."Our 'behavior' will not be changed long with self-discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible."  --This chapter, wherever it is, is about our love for darkness, the things that ultimately kill us.  My second blog called, "True Love" deals with this. 

I feel very somber today, very aware of myself and my flaws.  But it's a good thing...it takes this to grow, that's why they call it "growing pains" because it doesn't always feel good to realize you're self-destructing or enjoying the "dark" so to speak.  Instead of letting it get me down, I see it as motivation to make myself better...to strive to work on me and constantly reflect on my downfalls.  Because once you ignore them, you're headed for disaster.  People who get into a certain position and then try to ferociously defend it or build on it, in a way are only headed towards a dead end...you see, people become miserable that way...

 

I'll end this post with some lyrics from the King of Pop -

I'm Starting With The Man In

The Mirror

I'm Asking Him To Change

His Ways

And No Message Could Have

Been Any Clearer

If You Wanna Make The World

A Better Place

Take a look at yourself

Then make a change...

Hahaha...from C.S. Lewis to Michael... :)