I haven't met that person yet, but seemingly, he is already present in my life. You see, I have this set of.......expectations? Standards? Qualifications?????? Maybe I should refer to this "list" as contingencies, because as of yet, there are a few (or many) things on this "list" that seem impossible to find. Call me picky, critical, finicky, particular...but I don't think my contingencies are really beyond the bounds of possibility, but that's the thing about contingencies - Contingency defined is: A possibility that must be prepared for - PERFECT! When I said that my soul mate is already present in my life, that's exactly what I mean! It needs preparation.
My pedestal for this man is set so high that it would be ridiculous of me to think he would want the person that I am today. I need work. I need to better myself, become the person he deserves. Not just because he wants me to be that, but because we should be there together. Even before knowing him, he's brought me to my own attention and causes me to see the things holding me back so that I can reach in myself for the greatness that's inside me. It's there. But things seem to have crumbled to ruins and I'm completely consumed with my current situation, finding negativity and frustration in a day I haven't even started yet simply because I know how it will end.
There's a wall. And I can't figure out how I got here, but I know what it feels like on the other side. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort, and I've been struggling in the effort department lately. Almost like swimming upstream, you have to maintain it to keep from getting swept away back to the place you worked so hard to leave. But this place, in front of this wall, I see possibilities. That's all that's ahead of me, chances and opportunities. "Ruin is a gift, ruin is the road to transformation." I'm not afraid of change. Of walking face-first into the dark and searching for a way over the wall. It gives me hope that life evolves, that things change, that I change.
If you're wondering what my contingencies are, well, maybe that's for another blog, although I'm sure those who know me know that music and grammar are very high on the list...but I think he's out there, maybe not exactly as I picture him, but I'm sure I'll be able to deal with the things I didn't ask for as long as he's willing to do the same. I look forward to this journey ahead, the one that takes me to him because when I reach that point, I know I'll be able to look in the mirror and appreciate where I came from and be thankful that I was prepared.
"If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself....then truth will not be withheld from you. Or so I've come to believe."
*The quotes in this blog are from "Eat. Pray. Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert :)
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