Going up?

The last day of the year and the day everyone is searching for something to signify the newness of a new year...New Year resolutions to lose weight, quit smoking, be happier, spend less money, make better grades...the list goes on and on and on.  But how many of us actually resolve these resolutions?  A very small amount of us have in us the ability to fulfill our New Years dreams of a better us, probably because a day we've never seen before doesn't continue to give us the ambition the first day of every year does.  It serves it's purpose to change the calenders and confuse us all when we're writing the dates but as far as changing us as individuals, it doesn't always live up to the hype.

So how can we move forward into the better us?  Sure it helps to have a starting point, and what better time than a new year, but we have to remember that change happens over time, not in one turning of a calender year, but in continuous steps.  Change is a process, not an event.

Event VS Process - Develop your plan, make a strategy, seek growth, realize you'll fail, and try again.  Events give us the motivation (New Years, birthdays, motivational conferences, revelations, marriage, babies)...the process is the time after the "honeymoon" has worn off.  It's in this time you will decide to remember your motivation despite circumstance or moods and challenge yourself to continue on with the original plan.

The important thing to remember is how human you are.  We make mistakes, forget our passions, miss exits and get lost...we are not perfect and we shouldn't hold ourselves to that standard.  But we should expect excellence and do our best to see it come out of us everyday. 

Today, make your decision not to make a resolution but to make a life-style change.  Whether it's to brush your teeth before you go to bed or give your time and money to a charity...realize that it takes more than just saying it to keep doing it, it takes waking up every morning and remembering your motivation so that you can accomplish your goals.

Rome wasn't built in a day...

Disappearing Memories

As each day goes by in this world without you, I hold on to the hope that your memory will last in my mind forever...

The one year anniversary of you leaving me is here, and I can't quite place my emotions.  My heart hurts so bad that I can't breathe and just when I think the tears have stopped, another one falls.  I remember the last moment I had with you, and I never would have expected it, but it made me so thankful and grateful that you were mine...

You hadn't spoken to me or even noticed me in years, but that day you wouldn't look away.  You held my hand and looked at me with such regret, you hated to see me cry and it seemed as though you understood the cause.  My heart could never take seeing you the way you were in that place, weak and tired and misplaced.  You weren't my papa and you had forgotten how to smile.  But you held onto what we had for one last time and showed me that you hadn't forgotten, you told me that you loved me and I knew for the first time that you could never forget that...and I saw that sparkle in your eyes, the one you would get when I walked into the room.  I hated to leave you, afraid that if I did, you wouldn't keep holding on.  But you knew it was time, and you had to make sure, before you went, that I knew you never did forget.

"People with dementia very often seem to see more than we do...to see through things, round things, past things.  Their senses appear, at times, to be differently deployed so that they hear smells, see voices, taste pictures.  They use metaphor as we might use observation.  Their linguistic range, which to us without dementia may appear very strangely configured is also fluid, generously, even lavishly, overlaid with imagery, freed from grammatical or chronological rules.  It is already poetic in essence." -Karen Hayes

There are pamphlets, books, websites...101 ways to deal with a person with Dementia...but none of these things can prepare you for what's to come - how to cope with the day when he cries because he doesn't understand or gets angry because he can't figure out how to unlock the car.  Instructions can't be provided and because we're all such peculiar people every situation is obviously circumstantial.  Some are more sensitive, some aren't affected much at all, and some like my grandfather are extremely aggressive.

On a good day, we could talk about his younger years when he pitched for the Braves, and although it was very untrue, he believed it and when he spoke about the delusive past it made sense.  On a bad day, he couldn't place simple words together and wouldn't know where he was or who he was...and on a very bad day wouldn't open his eyes to try to even figure those things out.  This man, this strong, loving, generous, happy man was replaced with one weak and frail.  And when I looked into his eyes, the man who would never be able to resist a smile had disappeared, it seemed, forever.

I don't understand this disease and I hate it with everything in me.  It took away a man that had more love in his heart than I even knew existed.  But one thing that I am certain of and am thankful for is this...The last thing we ever lose is love.  Our memories may be gone.  Intellect and logic may have diminished.  We may have forgotten your name and where we are or what we are doing.  But we remember love.

Until the day he died, he remembered that love, and he never let it go.

And so begins the seizing of the...well, everything.

"You'll be on your way up!

You'll be seeing great sights!

You'll join the high fliers

who soar to high heights."

Dr. Seuss

So after all of the hardships, I think I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  This year has, without a doubt, been the most challenging year for me.  And through all of it, it has definitely been hard to keep my head up above the water.  I became a complete pessimist! Winston Churchill said, "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."  At one point in my life I thought like an optimist, acted like an optimist and chose to see the good in every situation.  But sadly, I lost that, every bit of optimism was buried under this miserable pessimistic mentality.  Sure, things could have been worse, they can always be worse.  I felt hopeless and useless and had lost my inspiration.  I couldn't see my life changing any time soon, and it was the most discouraging lump of time I've experienced in quite some time.

But one day, I closed my eyes and lied on my floor and just listened.  I was so still I could hear my heart beating.  Then I thought...what am I doing to make this better?  In order to get different results you have to do something different, right?  So I thought about making a list.  Everyone talks about what they want to do before they "kick the bucket," and this list didn't really fit that time frame, and I'm trying to think more short term and immediate...So I made a "buggy" list (for my northern friends, a "cart" list, but that doesn't sound as fun).  Those that know me know how fitting this is because I'm sort of a shopaholic, and they'll expect to see some sort of shopping therapy on this list.  I'll go ahead and tell you, it's not there, I am a healthy shopper and I do not have a problem...

...So the list...

I turn 25 in February and what better way to make that horrific birthday a lot less focused on single awareness and feeling like an old hag, than to challenge myself to make it the most motivating year of my life!  I have to admit, I've never been one to follow through with goals.  I usually set impossibly high expectations for myself to the point that it can take me years to accomplish what I meant to accomplish in just a few short months.  I've taught myself, though, that everything is a process.  I can't drop 15 pounds in 2 weeks and I can't tell you how many times I've tried to do that.

I'm not sure that this is the "official list", it's a lot harder than I thought it would be, but I want the things I accomplish to be inspiring to me and not just something with no meaning or substantiality.  So here it is, my list of 25 things to do while I'm 25...

#1. Fix my credit
#2. Make a quilt...or two for Quilt for the Kids
#3. Be a better driver (some will like this one the most)
#4. Visit my best friend Nikki and her new baby Ariana :)
#5 Go skydiving
#6. Take a road trip to the Grand Canyon
#7. Sell a song
#8. Start writing a book
#9. Record a demo
#10. Run in a 10k
#11. See DMB and U2 live
#12. Get a tattoo
#13. Grow a garden
#14. Learn how to pick my guitar & mandolin
#15. Get a professional photo shoot done
#16. Go deep sea fishing
#17. Move out of my parents house FOR GOOD ;)
#18. Buy my "dream" car and DON'T WRECK IT!
#19. Go on a cruise with friends
#20. See WICKED for the 3rd time
#21. Go to a winery
#22. Learn how to sail a Sailboat
#23. Become fluent in Spanish and Italian
#24. Volunteer for a local charity
#25. Learn to box

I'm a firm believer in the power of hope, and since I've made this list I've been more than excited to complete it!  Something literally "clicked" inside my head and I saw my possibilities in a completely different light.  I have the power to make my life better or worse and everyday I'm given the choice to see either one of those results.  I have to be determined to make my potential a reality rather than watch it go to waste and end up in a graveyard.  There is no good reason to give up on pursuing life goals, there's no excuse good enough.  Not fear of failure, or rejection, money or even timing.  Nothing can be an excuse for not living up to your full potential...especially because we all deserve to accomplish the goal of living the best life possible.  I challenge all of my family and friends to make a "buggy list" and watch how compelled you become to live the best life possible!

"What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals." -- Zig Ziglar

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” – Ben Okri

We go through challenges in life and sometimes those challenges are traumatic and unnecessary, hurtful and dramatic, or afflicting and uncomfortable...sometimes we crash and burn, fall and get back up, or hold our heads high and keep going.  Every trial, test, or tribulation can do either 1 of 2 things; discourage you or motivate you.  Sometimes I find myself singing a song in my head that my mother would sing to me as a child..."I will cast all my cares upon you.  I'll lay all of my burdens down at your feet.  And anytime I don't know what to do.  I will cast all my cares upon you."  It reminds me that everything will be okay.  I can't forget my responsibilities or just quit dealing with an issue and expect that just because I let it go that it'll take care of itself.

No, I have to overcome -- Succeed in dealing with a problem or difficulty -- I have to endure -- Suffer patiently -- and then transform -- Cause a change --

Being greater than our suffering doesn't mean to turn your nose up at it and ignore it, it means to believe that we possess the power to see our difficulties and challenge them to remain less than ourselves, empowering us to be the masters of our fate. 

This year has definitely been one of my hardest challenges and at times I've felt like I was hanging by a thread, but one thing keeps me hopeful...my ability to overcome.  No matter how hard the struggle, or how "high the mountain," mercy is new every morning and for some reason I keep getting the chance to redeem myself.  I may feel like the walls are closing in around me, but there's always a door, always a way out, and always hope that the future will be better than the past.

Life is an opportunity, it's a gift and when you've done everything to stand, just stand.

Die another day...

"Live as if you will die tomorrow, learn as if you will live forever..."

It seems as though a lesson is a structured period of time in which we are expected to learn...insight gained...yet there are so many lessons that pass like water under a bridge.  We go through life experiencing easy lessons, hard lessons, long lessons, short lessons and hope to learn some sort of, well, lesson - because after all, that is the purpose of a lesson, LEARNING - as not to make the same mistake again.  We experience a hindsight bias...Like staying up too late to watch an award show knowing the result won't be good the next morning, speeding when you know you'll probably get a ticket, or drinking more than you should, knowing something bad is likely to happen.  We all can see what the possible outcome might be, yet we continue to play with matches and just hope we don't get burned.

"There's mistakes that I have made, chances I just threw away, some roads I never should have taken..."

These "lessons" bring us to some sort of crossroad, whether big or small, and we have a choice to make.  Do we continue living life the way we have and hope for a different result or do we take different steps day by day in order to achieve an outcome we may not have desired in the past, but realize as time goes by that it just so happens to be the outcome that causes us to change/better ourselves?  Change is a process.  It requires choices throughout the day, wise choices...the decision to gain a better consequence.  

Operant behavior "operates" on the environment and is maintained by the consequence - therefore, when one decides to change his outcome he must change his environment.  If a drug abuser wakes up one day and says, "I'm not living this way anymore," he simply cannot continue living in the same situation and expect a different result.  However if he changes his friends, hang-outs, living arrangement, everything associated with his usage, he has a much better chance of overcoming his past and moving forward towards a different result, a better result.

Habits are hard to break, but they can be broken...with effort, perseverance, time, ambition, and wise choices...anyone can change his stars.

Bagging Groceries for a Fake $20...

Don't become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking...

Growing up, I took this verse thinking it was talking about "the world" as in non-Christians, you know the original version - "Do not conform to the patterns of this world" (Romans 12:1-2) bla bla bla.  So, I guess what I want to know, is which world is Paul talking about?  First of all, it shouldn't be two separate worlds, but unfortunately we have made it that way.  From the very beginning.  You know, Eve, the apple, the snake.  I like how the message says, "so that we fit into it without even thinking," I think that means don't believe everything you hear --I'm going to refer back to when I was growing up a lot in this post so get used to it -- Growing up, I found it very easy to believe everything I heard anyone say, pastors, leaders, parents, friends, family, teachers.  But not once did I say, "Hmm, I'm wonder if that's true."  Now, I'm not saying that everything I heard growing up was wrong or that anyone was wrong in what they taught, all I'm saying is I didn't even think about it.  I never questioned it or found out for myself.  Technically, I conformed.  I knew THIS was wrong or THAT was wrong or if I did this it would make me a Christian, or better yet if I DIDN'T do this it would make me a Christian.  But I only knew it because that's what I heard someone say.

We've grown so accustomed to just listening and living and not KNOWING and living.  I thought once that it was just my immaturity but it wasn't.  I did eventually grow out of it, but it took a lot for that to happen.  Is this just our mental state as lazy ignorant Christians?  You know, the ones that when you ask them what books they read, they always say, "The Bible" or the ones that hand out those tracts that were made about 15 years ago that look like 20 dollar bills...Sorry if that's you, but why are you handing out those sorry excuses for a witness?  And why aren't you reading other books like books to help you relate to that person you just handed that tract to, because if you really wanted it to do any good you might actually have to connect with them in one way or another.  But chances are that's not why you're handing out that piece of paper...but that goes to an even deeper issue that you and I both don't have the time for and it deserves a whole post just for itself.

So now, I'm getting to the complaint.  Have you ever read Habakkuk?  One of the books in the bible that is so short people often forget it's there.  Well, that book is about a complaint.  THE WHOLE THING!  About a complaint.  You may say, "Now, how dare that man with the crazy name write an entire book in the bible about a complaint?  Doesn't he know it isn't supposed to be easy???"  But it was actually a complaint that got God's attention.  It wasn't about Mrs. Edna planting the tree over your parking space so you always leave the parking lot with bird crap on your windshield, or even about the music being too loud.  It was about injustice, about his people.  He saw a problem and desperately wanted it fixed.  When do we have the position to complain?  When we are a pastor, or someone that wrote a book of the bible?  I think anyone that is in this world has a valid complaint.  It's obvious what the complaint should be.  Something like that of Habakkuk's. 

My complaint deals with ignorance in Christianity.  We are supposed to be the one's fixing the problems not making them worse.  We are here to feed the hungry, give shelter to the homeless, and protect the widows and children.  We are here to LOVE.  How simple is it really?  Not preach without follow up, or build big fancy gold empires with the "offerings" people have sent you.  How much do you think the chair Jan Crouch (TBN) sits on with her blown up botulism butt cost you?  It's solid gold for the record.  I bet they could have paid for an orphanage to have year’s worth supply of food with that money she sits on everyday only to ask you for your hard earned money so she can buy more silk flowers and hairspray.  


When are we going to take care of this task we've been given.  Stop conforming to the patterns you've been taught and figure this thing out for yourself.  Find out what makes you tick and run with it.  Jesus would much rather Christians be interested and passionate than dumb and lazy.  Take what you've learned and KNOW it, USE it, and LIVE it.  Don't just hand it out to the person bagging your groceries and walk away.  INVEST. Time. Thought. Money. Work. Effort. Knowledge. But most of all, Love.

Call me spoiled...

When life gives you lemons...buy your own...

I've always enjoyed taking things that are given to me, but those things have always come with a price.  There are very few things selflessly given and well, I can't think of any at the moment.  If someone smiles, they expect a smile in return.  If someone gives you a ring they expect an "I Do" and much more shortly thereafter.  The thing that most annoys me about taking the lemons life "gives" me is when I take them from someone and they use it as collateral until I have paid them back, if I can, be it with my time, efforts, or money.

I say all this to tell you that I'm trying to be more independent and buy my own lemons from now on.  I'm not saying I won't take a small thing here or there but the big things, like a car for example, I'm going to work very hard to get that lemon (hopefully not literally) on my own.  I think that by doing this, not only will I gain my independence, I'll also gain a sense of appreciation for things because I'll be more aware of where my money is going instead of swiping my card every chance I get.

Being able to stand on my own two feet is not an easy task for me...I've been given a lot in life and usually the only way for me to let go of my parent's hands is when forced.  Like when I moved to Tampa, for example, I had to keep my space clean because I had roommates, do my own laundry, cook my own food, buy my own groceries, even get my own gas.  Yes you're very right, I had it made...but when most, or even a little of that was taken away I was in a state of cultural shock and it didn't sit well with me.  However, through the years, I realize there are steps to growing up.  We learn how to walk on our own and then years later it becomes literal in a whole new way, with bills and responsibilities and hopefully teaching our own children how to walk.

I like buying my own lemons.  No I don't enjoy bills or responsibility, but I like the idea of calling something my own be it an apartment, car, groceries, or laundry detergent and I feel accomplished when I budget my own finances well and get to splurge on myself with a new dress or two and even have money left over.

Life doesn't have to be handed to me, I can take it by the horns myself, add some lemons, and at the end of the day drink my own fresh squeezed, cold glass of lemonade.

Fireflies into stars...

When everything is dark, a single bright light gives me hope...hope that I'm on the right track and that love is close by.  This single bright light surrounds me and heals my heart for a moment as I follow it back home...

I've been living at a place not worthy of who I am...I've lost my self-respect, dignity, and sadly I've forgotten my passions and desires.  I've always had a long list of standards/expectations but I've barely stuck to any of them...the problem with settling is that it changes who you are and you begin to make excuses that sound so ridiculous to everyone around you but for some reason, they make sense to you.  The more I say these excuses out loud, the more people laugh and remind me that I sound like an idiot, and the more I begin to realize what they mean when they say, "Come on, Hayli!!  Do you hear yourself??"  I've said the word "but" more than I should've, and "it's just going to take time" longer than it should've ever taken...it makes me look pretty idiotic to not only believe the crap, but to actually defend it to my family and friends like I trust that it is authentic and trustworthy and probable. 

What makes us settle?

Do I think I'll never have better?  No, I know that I could have better.  So why even worry myself with these insignificant things?  Because these things aren't worthy of me, not that I'm so high and mighty, but I was given the life, the abilities, and the talents I have for a reason...and it sure as hell wasn't to sweep them under the rug and forget about them while I live in a situation that causes me stress and pain. 

Letting go of certain jobs, relationships, places, drama, a lifestyle, worry - sure I'll be sad (for some reason) but realizing what I deserve and aiming for that from now on makes me feel relief and excitement.  I don't know what will happen but that's part of the fun...

I will say that I am happy that I can realize when I'm headed down the wrong road before I lose control (in a metaphorical way, because sometimes when I drive, well...) and all the things I've worked so hard for all my life get thrown out the window.  I don't want to live in a place not worthy of who I am...and I will do whatever it takes to live the life I have imagined so many times, and that life will involve my passions and desires with a person that compliments those passions and helps me accomplish my goals while I help him accomplish his.

So treat your love like a firefly, like it only gets to shine for a little while.  Catch it in a mason jar, with holes in the top, and run like hell to show it off...

Petal Picker

I can admit when I'm wrong and I'll be the first to tell you when I don't have the answers and it's never hard for me to ask advice...but I am the absolute worst at making decisions.  I can never decide where to eat, what I want to do on the weekends, what to wear - but it doesn't bother me until it comes to relationships.  I find a nice guy who's respectable, genuine, a perfect gentleman, and I'll like him for a few weeks and then something happens, and it's on to the next one.  I think that makes me the type of girl that wants what she can't have, right?

Exactly...

He loves me, he loves me not.  That game is ONLY fun if the last petal is the "he loves me" petal and if it's not, well then, pick another flower because surely he loves me.  What if all the flowers I pick never end on the fun petal and what if he really doesn't love me?  I can't rely on picking petals my whole life to help me decide whether to be with someone or not.  So what do I rely on?

What if he's none of the things you thought you wanted but you love him because the things you wanted changed?  Or what if he's treated you poorly in the past but he really makes an effort to change?  What if you're not sure about anything except for the way you feel about him?  Somebody find me a flower with an odd number of petals please!

It's funny, because I never doubt my parent's love, my sister's, grandparent's, or most of my family, and I'm not really sure why.  There are plenty of parents out there that don't love their children and plenty of siblings who hate each other.  So what makes me so certain of their love and why have I never consulted a flower?  I wonder if I could ever get to that point with my significant other...I would never get jealous because I wouldn't question his faithfulness, I really wouldn't have any insecurities because I would be so sure of his loyalty and have no reason to mistrust his love.

Is their any marriage out there like that?  A relationship free of insecurity and doubt...or does everyone trust a flower every now and then?

Bulletproof

What can I gain and what can I lose?  Are the possibilities worth the process?  This thing...it keeps me awake at night, confuses not only my mind but my heart, beats the tears out of me...is all of this, the heartache, pounds of tears, frustration, and literal pain worth the outcome?  The problem is, I'm never guaranteed the outcome I want. In fact, I'm not even guaranteed that it's real at all!  The more you think you have the real thing and end up disappointed only to find out that it wasn't what you thought, the more you believe it's not possible for you.  Have you figured it out yet?  The thing, this terrible, hurtful, cruel, afflictive, wounding, devastating, destructive, sinister, wicked thing is, you guessed it, love.  Yes, I sound bitter, and yes, I am...but let go of your facade, at some point in your life, you know you've been there too.

No matter what we do we can't get away from love - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Sure when it's good it's GOOD, but when it's bad, well, it can get pretty ugly.  We're taught from birth how to love, some learn that love is something you say while others learn it's something you do.  Love means different things to each of us.  To some it means money or sex or a white picket fence and to some it means quality time, physical touch, giving more than you care to receive, and selflessness.  Selfless, or otherwise known as unconditional love, is hard to come by and there are many people who will live their whole lives never giving or receiving it.  It's that kind of love that pulls at your heart like a magnet, never gives up, doesn't care what the truth is because it needs honesty, puts up with anything, doesn't keep score...

...it causes you to want the happiness of someone else over your own.  Love is not perfect but it helps you look past a person's imperfections and flaws and even causes you to love those flaws...

I haven't been in love many times (with a boy at least) so I'm not the expert, and the only true love I have to talk about is that of my family, but it's because of them that I've seen the picture of unconditional love.  I know when you love someone you give up your comfort, space, time, and you learn to compromise, get along, share, and communicate.  Of course there will be big fights, times you want to run away, and there will be hard situations you will come across...but at the end of the day, true love causes you to know that you can't live without that person, your life would be less meaningful, and you learn that forgiveness has to be given often.

To my future love,
   I can't wait to love you with all of my heart, soul, mind, music and everything I can give to you.  I am ready for love and all the joy, the pain, and all the time that it takes...if you give me a chance I'll prove this to you, I will be patient, kind, faithful, and true.  I'll do the best that I can. {thank you India}  I want to know everything about you, trust you with my secrets and not be ashamed, feel comfortable and safe, and never stop getting weak in the knees every time you walk into the room.  I can't wait to smile at you forever.  No matter what, the possibilities will always be worth the process.

Love,
Hayli

Above the clouds...

If you don't know where you're going, how will you know when you get there?

I've spent much of today thinking about who I used to be and how I've changed throughout the years.  I've evaluated my strengths and weaknesses, my motivations, my dysfunctions, my urges...what made me the person I was and what has made me the person I am - because the two are so different.  I've thought about my limitations and the things that kept me from accomplishing certain dreams or goals I set for myself, the liberations that caused me to reach for them, and the people that changed whatever the outcome could be.  I've remembered significant events that started my growth and the processes that kept me learning and changing continuously.  All of these things created a woman who looks inside herself not just to find the good but to realize the bad and she tries her best to give a little more, speak a little slower, love a little harder, and hate a little less {only a little, because change is a process}.

"This is what we are all dying for, something that demands we step up and become better, more focused people.  Something that calls out the greatness we hope is somewhere inside of us..." ~ Velvet Elvis

What I've come to realize more and more as I grow is that life is in my hands, my choices determine my future.  I can pick my destination(s) and the sky is my limit.  True dreamers win a lot of battles before their dreams come true...and I consider myself to have won a few battles in my time, but who knows how many more I'll conquer before I finally reach my dreams.  It seems though that my dreams change quite often, like myself.  They went from wanting to start a traveling ministry to Hillsong to Public Relations - I'm still on PR but I've added Journalism to it - and now I want a family.

Just like everyone else out there, I'm working to be the person I was created to be, and everyday I struggle to realize who exactly that is.  I'm desperate to be that person and I'm thankful that I can continue to change until my life is done and that there will always be people around me that encourage that growth.

"Life takes on meaning when you become motivated, set goals for yourself and charge after them in an unstoppable manner." ~ Les Brown

Beautiful Surprise

It's like yesterday

I didn't even know your name

Now today

You're always on my mind

I never could have predicted that I'd feel this way

You are a beautiful surprise

Intoxicated every time I hear your voice

You've got me on a natural high

It's almost like I didn't even have a choice

You are a beautiful surprise

Whatever it is that you came to teach me

I am here to learn it cause

I believe that we are written in the stars

I don't know what the future holds

But I'm living in the moment

And I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are

You are everything I ask for in my prayers

So I know my angels brought you to my life

Your energy is healing to my soul

You are a beautiful surprise

You are an inspiration to my life

You are the reason why I smile

You are a beautiful surprise

All these unopened/open doors...

When a person has decisions to make and they have many choices, what is the best way to decide? Should he open one door at a time just to peek inside and see if that's the one he wants, or should he open them all and go back and forth, or should he pick the one blindly? I believe in taste testers and trying things on, but I don't agree that one should treat relationships or opportunities the same way. This is why polygamy is illegal and omnipresence is impossible. We can obviously have more than one hobby...but people are not hobbies. We can obviously have more than one pair of shoes...but careers are not shoes.

Pretend that one door has a gun aimed right at your head...would you keep it open? How often do we open doors that have disaster behind them? But we walk in and curiously pick things up, or hang out for a while, almost like we're ignoring all the signs that tell us we shouldn't be here. I've opened plenty of these doors and some are still open. So what does it take to close those doors?

Everyone has a conscience, some choose to ignore it, some let it get a little crazy, and some use it effectively. It's not like auto pilot, you can't turn it on and let it live your life for you, unfortunately - very unfortunately, we have free will. Don't get me wrong, it's a great thing to have, but sometimes I'd rather my conscience just say, "Hayli, this door is right for now, and this is how long you should be in there, and after you close it choose this one for a year, and then you'll grow old and die in this one..." But noooo, it's all left up to naive and easily influenced Hayli, and I sure do open the wrong one more times than I'd like.

But thankfully, I know what I'm looking for and the direction I'm going is hard but worth it. I won't let others determine what door I open, I'll let my desires, past mistakes, and wisdom choose. I'll trust that if I do make a mistake, I will try again until I get it right. And I'll believe that, no matter what, I choose my destiny.

True Love

If you work hard, stay focused, and never give up you will eventually get what you want in life. Unfortunately, sometimes the things we want the most in life are the very things that kill us. Why are we so self-absorbed? If you really come down to it, you are. I've been thinking on this for a few days now, and I've come to the conclusion that more often times than not I think I love people, but in reality, I'm only judging them.

I may think my recent attempt to be generous was in fact that, but it wasn't, it might have been pity or really just me being judgmental. Maybe I feel I want to help people, give them dignity, like they are candidates for sympathy and yet by judging them, I'm really just taking their dignity away. In this world we love darkness, we are prone to love things that kill us. You might think self-discipline is the answer, you can make yourself do good things, love light, practice being all the things you should be, think good thoughts about people. You could walk through the motions for a while, but sooner or later you're back where you started. Darkness.

This sounds harsh, but truthfully, I may have come to the conclusion that I believe I'm above God's charity. I think I'm putting others first, but just being real with you, I'm being prideful. It's not that I care about others more, but that I feel I'm above the grace of God. Our key role in this relationship with God is to humbly recieve God's unconditional love! Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean. Accepting God's love will, and it will also cause us to obey him in return. "Our 'behavior' will not be changed long with self-discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible." By accepting God's love for us, we fall in love with him, and only then do we have the fuel we need to obey.