Are you living a life not worthy of you?

Anything is possible when you strip yourself of limits and boundaries and force yourself into a life you didn't think you could have.

I'm a naive girl from a small town who grew up in a Pentecostal church with a loving family and they still baby me like I'm 15 years old...I was an angel until I turned 21 - most everything I did was legal but I stepped into a world I wasn't prepared for and to this day I find myself still paying for those mistakes.  After making all the right choices, praying everyday, "saving myself" for all those years and behaving like a good little girl, I found this alter ego that I never knew existed (obviously because I had never looked for it) and explored a world I would have been ashamed to have known about in previous years.  After many a lesson learned and many broken hearts and many unwise decisions, I reached a dead end and it seemed as though my "brakes" had been torn to shreds after so many attempts to stop, and I barreled myself off a cliff ---- so to speak (or literally actually.)

 The thought came to me that this destructive behavior might have been because I was afraid of my capabilities.  I made bad choices because I feared opportunity.  This is something we all know as "settling for less" and don't judge me and act like you've never done it.  I thought that if I kept letting myself pick someone who wasn't good enough that I wouldn't be forced to better myself and I would live a pointless life with a job that was mediocre, have children that would be brainless and small minded, and die and old woman thinking that the life I lived was easy and comfortable.  And that's when I violently woke up, completely out of breath, in realization of the harm I was causing myself. This utter shock jolted me back into reality and I reminding myself of some very important words from a friend..."The life you've been living is not worthy of who you are."  And it was then and there that I decided to change.

Not a small alteration...a metamorphosis, a transformation, a rebirth.  The kind of change that would bring the complete opposite of the life I had settled for.  And this change HAD to happen fast.  So I planned and set a date -- By this day of this month of this year I will be living a completely different life.  However, things weren't happening fast enough for me - I needed this change IMMEDIATELY!  Hence, why I moved 8 hours away in 5 days and started a job 3 days later.  A month into my move, I am happier, healthier and having more fun and more success than I thought possible for myself.

It's amazing to me how the world can open up to you when you stop limiting yourself and walk head first, straight into the dark, trusting in God to see your efforts and open doors.  I couldn't see how things would work out, I just knew that no matter what, because I was putting so much faith in myself and stepping right in the middle of what could have been nothing short of disaster, that things would have to be better than they were before.

Strength comes from watching yourself succeed time and time again when adversity tries to knock you down.  I have a strength I've never seen in myself today and everyday I prove just once again that I am capable, I am strong, I am an over-comer, I am a dreamer whose dreams won't stay that way.  Anything is possible when you change your vision and become the "who" your life is worthy of.

Happiness or Denial??

Reading over all my old blogs about life and love, I realize that just within the last 6 months I've changed tremendously...that's why I love keeping a blog, I can visually see myself change.  I remember years ago, goals and dreams I had for myself - usually pertaining to music or traveling - and they haven't really changed much.  Over the past few years, I've added a few, but one that seems to be common with my fellow females still isn't in the cards.  Marriage or motherhood.  I can remember a friend of mine 7 years back (we were 18) saying she just wanted to be a wife and mother...so many had goals to have a husband and 3 kids with a charming little house with a white picket fence before they were 22.  I always thought I'd be on my way to settling down by the time I was 25 but I have never said I had goals of being a wife and mother.

I thought I'd have a career, maybe a serious relationship, but kids?????

If that's your goal/dream, I'm not discrediting you, everyone is different...I think my lack of desire for this specific goal may have something to do with the fact that I had my first boyfriend at 21 and have had a series of trial and error since, mostly error...but I like to think that it comes from being happy with myself and possibly the idea that I'm just not ready to share my life with someone else.  There are things I want to do and I enjoy having no one to answer to.  Sure sometimes it would be easier to have the assurance that I'll be having dinner with someone I really like or never having the feeling of loneliness.  But really, I enjoy my space and independence more than just to give it up for some mundane half-romance that lasts until one of us gets bored and decides to act like the other doesn't matter anymore.  I know, I know...one day someone will come along and blah blah blah.  But what kind of person would I be if I just continued to settle for the wrong one over and over again?!?!  So whatever has been in charge of my dating in previous years, be it my head or my heart, no longer has control.  I'm deciding to do things very differently and it starts with saying "No" when I see something I don't like and finding the strength to walk away then and there.  No more of this "what if" because too many times I've listened to a girlfriend use this excuse to stay with some POS abusive idiot...and I'll be damned if I let myself use that excuse for any other useless sack of flesh walking around, parading his ability to satisfy or complete a woman with little to no experience in doing so. 

Example #1.  No more lying, cheating, drunk, overly aggresive, narcissistic, un-educated, arrogant, lazy, pathetic, ego-centric, loser males.

Example #2.  No more "maybe she is just his roomate and she's completely demented", "he's sweet after he smokes", "I haven't heard from him in 2 days, maybe he'll call tomorrow", "well, I did forget to wash his work shirt (while he's throwing all his clothes across the room and yelling at me)", "He said she was his sister"...

No relationship is perfect, but it isn't supposed to be occupied by complete and utter denial.

I'd rather be single and happy, spending time with good friends, reading a book in a quiet place, having my favorite wine while watching my favorite movie - all alone - than spend my time feeling like I'm not complete unless I'm in constant pursuit of someone to share all those things with, who really isn't all that I deserve.  Life is an adventure and for some that adventure only happens while they're living it with someone special or finding someone special to help them get over the last someone special...what if you're meant to be happy alone?  I'm not afraid of being alone, of living my life from one adventure to the next with no one to share it with...the fun in that is never knowing where life will take you or who you'll meet or how you'll get there - there's comfort in figuring out age and success on my own.  I'm not saying I want to be the cat lady, I'm simply saying that in order for my life to feel complete I DO NOT need to be married with children.

I could enjoy a life having the knowledge that in the end, I didn't settle for a cliche just to excuse myself from a life of the unknown.

***Disclaimer...if I do ever end up married with children, that does not make me a hypocrite, it makes me someone who after saying no to many men finally found one that was better than she had ever dreamed.

Me in a Song...

A very close friend of mine wrote a blog not too long ago about her song.  This isn't just a song she enjoys, it's a song she feels connects with her very being - describes her in a way words can't.  After weeks of trying to find my song, I gave up.  Out of nowhere, my ears and heart sync together in my dark room and I'm taken back to that moment, when I asked myself, "What song do I identify with the most?"  It has been on my yoga playlist for months and it's always been my favorite...the one I always start with, lying on my back with my hands and feet stretched far from my core.  I think, because it calms my breathing and with it's consistent lulls, it focuses my attention on nothing.

Last night I decided to put it on repeat and my thoughts quickly reminded me of Lauren's blog while I was in my downward dog position and it hit me!  Thomas Newman's "Any Other Name" is definitely my song.  It's emotional and seductive.  It approaches suspense then quickly calms itself back into the radiance of bliss.  The eerie, wind-like strings are my thoughts, much deeper than they seem.  The piano rises and falls, drives and defers like my ambitions and apprehensions.  It is meandering and complex like my frustrations, subtle and intricate like my feelings.  The piano's bass notes are anchored like my self-worth, but reinforced with prominence like my personality.  The seemingly aimless chords, feeling a bit irregular, coalesce together to create a vision of perfection and grace.

If I could take the form of a song, I would gladly have this one...on repeat. :)

The Civil Wars are not married! Seriously?!?! After watching countless videos and listening to "Barton Hollow" on repeat, I surely thought their chemistry (not to mention the way they look at each other) matched that of any married duo...however, I was wrong. They met at a songwriting session in Nashville in 2008 and became popular in 2009 when their single "Poison and Wine" played on an episode of Grey's Anatomy - and they're just a duo, not a couple, at least not with each other. In a world where production and American Idol seem to be the representation of the music industry, out pops a scene that eludes this generalization of preconceived ideas and very quietly reaches up to you and intimately puts it's sound in your ear. It's not flashy or rude, it's very polite and humble.


I love concerts. Loud, bright, sweaty concerts. You don't know the artist personally, you've just listened to their albums over and over and you know you're no different than the other 50,000 people there. You get lost in the excitement and lose the longing for the music. That's not at all how I picture a concert with The Civil Wars...I see dim lights, people clutching their chests, with their eyes closed taking in every strum and harmonic melody, no one speaking a word as to not miss a note. Stripped and raw, simple and intimate.

This "revolution" of sound is brilliant, it's always been around, but somehow it finds it's way out through the most heavenly artists, with the most pure and virtuous resonance...how do two people find themselves together this way? The mixture of their voices seems almost genetically matched and yet they're not family.

Joy Williams, as a solo artist, is one of my musical inspirations...her style, eerie and moving, seems to be something I've created since I started my music journey (when I have the tools, but my current keyboard is not so useful) - I look forward to the day when my music match finds me.........please be soon. :)

No pedestal is high enough when I'm in love...

"People think a soul mate is our perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life..."

I haven't met that person yet, but seemingly, he is already present in my life.  You see, I have this set of.......expectations?  Standards?  Qualifications??????  Maybe I should refer to this "list" as contingencies, because as of yet, there are a few (or many) things on this "list" that seem impossible to find.  Call me picky, critical, finicky, particular...but I don't think my contingencies are really beyond the bounds of possibility, but that's the thing about contingencies - Contingency defined is:  A possibility that must be prepared for - PERFECT!  When I said that my soul mate is already present in my life, that's exactly what I mean!  It needs preparation. 

My pedestal for this man is set so high that it would be ridiculous of me to think he would want the person that I am today.  I need work.  I need to better myself, become the person he deserves.  Not just because he wants me to be that, but because we should be there together.  Even before knowing him, he's brought me to my own attention and causes me to see the things holding me back so that I can reach in myself for the greatness that's inside me.  It's there.  But things seem to have crumbled to ruins and I'm completely consumed with my current situation, finding negativity and frustration in a day I haven't even started yet simply because I know how it will end.

There's a wall.  And I can't figure out how I got here, but I know what it feels like on the other side.  Happiness is the consequence of personal effort, and I've been struggling in the effort department lately.  Almost like swimming upstream, you have to maintain it to keep from getting swept away back to the place you worked so hard to leave.  But this place, in front of this wall, I see possibilities.  That's all that's ahead of me, chances and opportunities.  "Ruin is a gift, ruin is the road to transformation."  I'm not afraid of change.  Of walking face-first into the dark and searching for a way over the wall.  It gives me hope that life evolves, that things change, that I change.

If you're wondering what my contingencies are, well, maybe that's for another blog, although I'm sure those who know me know that music and grammar are very high on the list...but I think he's out there, maybe not exactly as I picture him, but I'm sure I'll be able to deal with the things I didn't ask for as long as he's willing to do the same.  I look forward to this journey ahead, the one that takes me to him because when I reach that point, I know I'll be able to look in the mirror and appreciate where I came from and be thankful that I was prepared.

"If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself....then truth will not be withheld from you. Or so I've come to believe."


*The quotes in this blog are from "Eat. Pray. Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert :)

A Confession...

"All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.

I never had a selfless thought since I was born.

I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;

I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,

I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;

I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -

But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin." 

 ~ C.S. Lewis

I had to read this a few times to truly understand how to relate to it...my pride wouldn't allow it.  I'm re-reading Donald Miller's, Blue Like Jazz and this second chapter hit me pretty hard.  I read it over today after sleeping on it last night just to remember the parts that concerned me of myself.  I haven't been in a church in quite a few years and no, that's not what this blog is about.  However, it is about my facing myself and my flaws.  We don't have to be in church to evaluate/reflect on ourselves.  The part about the parrot deals with us talking and not understanding.  I talk about love and being Christ-like, but do I really know what I'm saying?

We are a broken people, all of us are flawed.  We spend our whole lives, from birth to death training ourselves to do good.  Think about it, if you never teach your child right from wrong, he does wrong.  We have to be taught that lying is wrong, hitting is not nice, stealing is bad...we are born this way.  We are all capable of the terrible things we see on the news each and every day, but there's the knowledge inside of some of us that it's wrong and that's what keeps us from behaving this way. 

We have a narcissistic nature, selfish, self-absorbed...but can love, unconditional love, change that?  There's another quote somewhere in this book that I remember extremely well from the last time I read it years ago..."Our 'behavior' will not be changed long with self-discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible."  --This chapter, wherever it is, is about our love for darkness, the things that ultimately kill us.  My second blog called, "True Love" deals with this. 

I feel very somber today, very aware of myself and my flaws.  But it's a good thing...it takes this to grow, that's why they call it "growing pains" because it doesn't always feel good to realize you're self-destructing or enjoying the "dark" so to speak.  Instead of letting it get me down, I see it as motivation to make myself better...to strive to work on me and constantly reflect on my downfalls.  Because once you ignore them, you're headed for disaster.  People who get into a certain position and then try to ferociously defend it or build on it, in a way are only headed towards a dead end...you see, people become miserable that way...

 

I'll end this post with some lyrics from the King of Pop -

I'm Starting With The Man In

The Mirror

I'm Asking Him To Change

His Ways

And No Message Could Have

Been Any Clearer

If You Wanna Make The World

A Better Place

Take a look at yourself

Then make a change...

Hahaha...from C.S. Lewis to Michael... :)

Finite Forgiveness??

We feel like we have the answers for everything. Poverty, crime, church, all these things that cause hurt.  I heard someone say recently that there are two types of people in this world;  People that build and people that destroy.  But I would like to add a third type - People who destroy that claim to build.

I've sat back and watched adult members of my church act like greedy children trying to get their way. I've listened to Pastors say terrible things about homosexuals and people that don't live "right." I've had to be a shoulder for my friends when Christians condemn them for their sins and failed life choices. One thing has remained consistent in all of these situations - People are destroying and claim that they're building.

Seeing Christ in Christianity these days is nearly impossible. Even Christ himself hung on a tree asking for God to show love to the people that hurt him. He didn't say, "You sorry sinners, you're all going to hell for what you have done." He didn't condemn, the freaking son of God didn't even condemn like I've seen people in church condemn.


I know we should be doing something differently, focusing on more important things. But here we are talking about what NOT to do, and in the process of NOT doing those things we really are doing absolutely NOTHING.  Silly "sins" or failed life choices, alcohol, premarital sex, gambling.  Instead of focusing on what NOT to do and all the negative and wrong and making it all about sin and condemnation, make it about love and relationship.  Because you can't have discipleship without relationship, and after all, I hope you remember the Great Commission - "Go into all the world and make disciples..." - Jesus met people where they were.  He didn't expect to walk up to a Samaritan woman at a well (who was, by the way, married 5 times and "living in sin" with another man) in the middle of the day and put on a show and have her all of a sudden, saved.  He got down on her level, despite what people thought, and related to her, created a bond/relationship.  But of course Christians want to make it about themselves or their churches...who can have the best service, most members, biggest events, all the while, forgetting what Jesus came to do - LOVE the unlovable.

Church is so dumb. A pointless excuse for people to dress in their best, make an appearance, sing a few songs, get that "event" feeling that we need so much (you know the whole youth camp experience), listen to the pastor speak for 30 minutes about how we should be giving more money, watch a few media clips, stand around and say hello to the people we haven’t seen in a week or maybe even months, and go back home. 

It’s almost like it’s a limbo for people to make a connection with God they feel can’t happen anywhere else. I don’t want to DO church...I’m tired of it. It’s never changing, the same old people, doing the same old thing, for years and years and years.

Maybe my frustration is more than that. Maybe it’s refusal to be a typical christian. I don’t even like that word anymore. Christian. It’s become something so ordinary and cliche. I wonder if that’s what taking God’s name in vain really means? Calling ourselves something that we can’t hold a flame to. Being Christ-like. I know that’s why He calls us His disciples, because He knows we can do what He does. But we aren’t doing what He did at all...NOT EVEN CLOSE!

Let me remind you...none of us are perfect and if Jesus himself can say, "Look I know you think you are the suckiest person in the world, but hey, Go and sin no more," I'm sure we can somehow bring ourselves down from our pedestals and say, "Hey, you mess up, I mess up, but I still love you." And MAYBE even, "what can I do to help?" See, when you are perfect you can tell people "Go and sin no more," even Christ himself never said, "I can't believe what you've done." He loved them anyway, despite how they may have hurt him or caused more problems for those involved. He cared enough about them to look past what they did and understood that it doesn't matter WHAT they've done. He gives us grace to make mistakes and learn from them.  Unconditional grace, love and mercy.  It doesn't run out, no matter how much you sin or cause Him pain.
 
I'm writing this because I'm frustrated. I don't even go to church and I love more than these "Christians" do. I realize that every man does what's right in his own eyes and I'll have to deal with hypocrites for the rest of my life pointing out the speck of dust in my eye while they ignore the tree in theirs, but it never gets less aggravating! Don't you realize the example you're setting??  It sucks to have to explain to someone who doesn't really understand Christianity, why people keep judging her or the people she loves.  Her response to it all is, "I don't think I want to be a Christian, if that's how I'm suppose to act, I don't want anything to do with it."  I'm frustrated because they never seem to realize the damage they continue to cause by acting like self-righteous, self deluded Christians. Like they're better than the grace of God, like it's some charity that only we, that are less than them need...because they deserve more.  Christians could use a reality check...because their pedestals seem to sit above Jesus' cross.


Micah 6:8 (Message) But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's QUITE simple. Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don't take yourself too seriously - Take God seriously.

Mama's Never Seen Those Eyes...

 

Through our lives, the people we surround ourselves with always think they know what's best for us, and we can't be hypocrites, we do the same to them.  But how can we really know when it's not actually happening to us?  There's no way for us to understand completely.  We may know bits and pieces, but the full extent of the situation isn't available for our thoughts. 

See, I don't always tell the bad and I don't always tell the good, and sometimes you're lucky if you know either.  The problem is, either way you look at it, you don't know the entirety or complexity of what I'm telling you.  So how then, can you be a judge of a situation you don't know in full?  ...The answer is simple...

You can't.

I will surely take opinions and comments, assumptions and persuasions, say-so and hear say with a grain of salt...but at the end of the day, I feel the way I feel and the theory you asserted at one point in my day can't be found.

Why?  Because you've never seen those eyes.  You've never heard those words.  You've never experienced what I have.  You've never felt the way I've felt and it's not something I'm able to convey.  Because I know that passion is worth fighting for...no matter what the circumstance...

The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing.  That statement is the truest of my life at the moment.  But it doesn't mean I'll give up.  It doesn't change the way I feel.  It doesn't take the dream of the possibilities away.  It's worth waiting for...the picture of a full life, complete and accomplished, with the love of my life and the life we've made.

Because this is just a season and seasons don't last forever.

Then I'll be able to thank you -whoever knows best - for your concern and show you that I knew all along ~ what was best.

***Disclaimer...this is not about my mother nor is it a post to my mother ;)