Happiness or Denial??

Reading over all my old blogs about life and love, I realize that just within the last 6 months I've changed tremendously...that's why I love keeping a blog, I can visually see myself change.  I remember years ago, goals and dreams I had for myself - usually pertaining to music or traveling - and they haven't really changed much.  Over the past few years, I've added a few, but one that seems to be common with my fellow females still isn't in the cards.  Marriage or motherhood.  I can remember a friend of mine 7 years back (we were 18) saying she just wanted to be a wife and mother...so many had goals to have a husband and 3 kids with a charming little house with a white picket fence before they were 22.  I always thought I'd be on my way to settling down by the time I was 25 but I have never said I had goals of being a wife and mother.

I thought I'd have a career, maybe a serious relationship, but kids?????

If that's your goal/dream, I'm not discrediting you, everyone is different...I think my lack of desire for this specific goal may have something to do with the fact that I had my first boyfriend at 21 and have had a series of trial and error since, mostly error...but I like to think that it comes from being happy with myself and possibly the idea that I'm just not ready to share my life with someone else.  There are things I want to do and I enjoy having no one to answer to.  Sure sometimes it would be easier to have the assurance that I'll be having dinner with someone I really like or never having the feeling of loneliness.  But really, I enjoy my space and independence more than just to give it up for some mundane half-romance that lasts until one of us gets bored and decides to act like the other doesn't matter anymore.  I know, I know...one day someone will come along and blah blah blah.  But what kind of person would I be if I just continued to settle for the wrong one over and over again?!?!  So whatever has been in charge of my dating in previous years, be it my head or my heart, no longer has control.  I'm deciding to do things very differently and it starts with saying "No" when I see something I don't like and finding the strength to walk away then and there.  No more of this "what if" because too many times I've listened to a girlfriend use this excuse to stay with some POS abusive idiot...and I'll be damned if I let myself use that excuse for any other useless sack of flesh walking around, parading his ability to satisfy or complete a woman with little to no experience in doing so. 

Example #1.  No more lying, cheating, drunk, overly aggresive, narcissistic, un-educated, arrogant, lazy, pathetic, ego-centric, loser males.

Example #2.  No more "maybe she is just his roomate and she's completely demented", "he's sweet after he smokes", "I haven't heard from him in 2 days, maybe he'll call tomorrow", "well, I did forget to wash his work shirt (while he's throwing all his clothes across the room and yelling at me)", "He said she was his sister"...

No relationship is perfect, but it isn't supposed to be occupied by complete and utter denial.

I'd rather be single and happy, spending time with good friends, reading a book in a quiet place, having my favorite wine while watching my favorite movie - all alone - than spend my time feeling like I'm not complete unless I'm in constant pursuit of someone to share all those things with, who really isn't all that I deserve.  Life is an adventure and for some that adventure only happens while they're living it with someone special or finding someone special to help them get over the last someone special...what if you're meant to be happy alone?  I'm not afraid of being alone, of living my life from one adventure to the next with no one to share it with...the fun in that is never knowing where life will take you or who you'll meet or how you'll get there - there's comfort in figuring out age and success on my own.  I'm not saying I want to be the cat lady, I'm simply saying that in order for my life to feel complete I DO NOT need to be married with children.

I could enjoy a life having the knowledge that in the end, I didn't settle for a cliche just to excuse myself from a life of the unknown.

***Disclaimer...if I do ever end up married with children, that does not make me a hypocrite, it makes me someone who after saying no to many men finally found one that was better than she had ever dreamed.