It's your love...

God help my unbelief...

I have questions, and they're hard questions. They're not pretty, not comfortable, they're harsh, mean, angry, confused, and buried. I know that feeling - the overbearing, heart tugging, passionate call - the one that makes your thoughts turn completely to happiness and love. That feeling, it's the only reason I still believe...because no matter how long I go without, when I come back to it, I know it's never left me. Music is usually the key. Lyrics and music have power that quiet and sermons do not. It builds when you want it to, it says what you feel, it can make the hardest heart soft.

I know I'm bitter and cynical, but I wonder if anyone (or those that tell me I am) ever ask themselves why. I didn't turn from that "fall on my face, pray with all my might, 'worship leader' over night...I get lonely sitting here watching Hillsong videos in the dark by myself, and I sometimes wish I wasn't so bitter and cynical. I can feel it by myself, but I wouldn't mind being around others who feel that same feeling I do.

If I asked all those ugly questions, I guarantee I'd get the same answers I always have...someone taking me outside and pointing to the sky or asking me if I feel the wind...yes, dumb ass, I know it's there but quit trying to distract yourself from the real answers. What if all it is, is just some idea a bunch of men decided would make people have chills and cry for no reason? People were the same thousands of years ago as they are today, and because of that are some reasons for my unbelief. When people have the power to create things, such as the 10 commandments, or a baby from a virgin what makes us believe them? I'm not doubting God, I feel him...but do you ever wonder if some stories didn't happen exactly the way they're told?

I told you they were terrible.

I love Christianity, I love the Bible, I love Jesus, I love creation and all that came with it...but I still have unbelief in these things. We'll obviously never get the answers we want, so really there's no point in asking. I'm supposed to "Not lean on my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge him..." but I just want to be in a place where my questions are accepted and where I'm accepted - all the ugly.

The saddest part of all of this is knowing that there are millions of people out there, just like me, with the same ugly questions...but will his love be enough for them to hold on?